Half of my ideal man, anyway…
His name is Caleb (On the right) the other half is Joshua… for now I only want to talk about Caleb.
A true gem in my jewelry box, Caleb was born on June 16, 1995. I was 10 years old and a certified “Big Sister” via St. Luke’s Hospital. I was having lunch when Caleb was born and Mrs. Cubeta pulled me aside to tell me the news… and I cried. I was in love.
Now, Caleb is 14 years old and I am not prepared for manhood and all that it entails. So instead of talking about your growing passion for masturbation, (I didn’t need to know that, Dan) girls, and raunchy rap music I want to share some advice and other tidbits for you on your birthday.
1. Caleb you were born with a 6th finger, Dad bawled b/c he thought you were a freak and you held it like a “binky” or whatever the hell white folks call a security blanket… the doctor did cut it off eventually and mom saved it in a plastic bag. I think she put it in the freezer… which is gross. I will never EVER let you live your brush with deformity down.
2. At 3 years old mom put you in one of those swinging baby seats and I wanted to feed you, you were crying like the pain in the ass you are, so when I went to pick you up you started freaking out and thrusting your body out of my arms and so I dropped you head first on tile floor. Mom shit herself and I ran away to the mailbox that day… Mom packed me a lunch so I wouldn’t get hungry.
4. One time Jenessa wrote a class report on how much she hated you and wish she could throw you away. She was jealous she was not the baby anymore. She shared such report and her teacher called mom… what a pansy.
5. I think it is absolutely fantastic that you challenge Dad, I STILL argue the same unfairness that you are talking about. He is an old, grumpy, engineer man. Keep in mind he never went to his prom so its not really his fault when he is being narrowed minded and annoying. He will ALWAYS do right by you, and he is just big ole’ bear. Give him a break.
6. Remember that you and Joshua are a team, if one fucks up, you’re BOTH in trouble. No one will EVER love you as much as family does… so keep that in mind the next time you are kicking his ass. Loyalty is what makes our family thrive, when one of us has… we all have!
7. I am an understanding sister, Dan & I will ALWAYS buy you the stuff our parents will not. I will hold my end of the bargain and buy you alcohol in high school under certain circumstances, I will buy you condoms if you want me to, when you are pissed at mom and dad I will answer my door… just for the LOVE of all the poms please don’t do any drugs in high school… or drop out. Please.
8. Mom will sometimes be impossible… and borderline crazy. She will yell and get that crazy look in her eyes when shes mad… but bless her heart she really does mean well. Its hard to see sometimes but she is a good woman. ALWAYS say yes ma’am to her, do as she says immediately, and love and respect her… after all she is our queen. Remember she will kill, lift compact vehicles, and walk on water for us. True Story.
9. Please let me hug and kiss you as much as I want… I know it is coming to the end of an era… but I will seriously die if you didn’t let me cuddle or have our sleepovers. An old lady needs that…
10. I am your best friend, always have been, always will. I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. I am eternally proud of you, keep going, your are going to be incredible. You are my monkey, my Mowgli, my Caleebo!
PS- “What the fuk u lookin at???” “Simba, the friendliest pom, the friendliest pom you’d ever see!”
Look at twinkle in my eyes!
Happy Birthday, Monkey!