My Dream Date is…

alone.

At least at this very moment that is what my answer would be.

Is anyone looking for a husband? If you are, mine is just got put on the market for grabs. He is 5’11”, is currently experiencing somewhat of premature balding and has dark features. Potential revenue is promising. Some might call him handsome. I also hear he can even be a nice guy…. serious inquiries need only to apply. Thanks.

Marriage is so serious. So, what the eff am I doing here? That playful “joshing” of marriage being a never ending and NOT funny episode of Everybody Loves Raymond… well turns out there is some truth to it. During arguments you can’t act like a five year old and hit them, or slap them, or beat them… you get my gist. It is also looked down upon to suddenly get up and leave. Society might also shake their judging heads when you threaten the unlikely divorce during said disagreement. So what do you do when you and your spouse get into an argument? You sit there and take it like a man, after all this is what you signed up for when your parents paid for the pricey open bar. Now suddenly you’re expected to follow through on that spontaneous decision you made 3 years ago. Boo. Only shot I have at being free again is if I am widowed. Wow… Ladies and Gents this how that show Snapped was conceived.

I’m only kidding when I blog about smothering Dan with a pillow in his sleep…. I’m also kidding when I say I want to divorce his ass… I am half serious about the Husband for Sale thing though… Nothing? Nothing? I got Nothin’. Don’t judge me for my descriptive rants on what is most likely another trivial argument, I’m pissed off. Damnit. And you all know you too have felt that “I can’t stand this mutha…” feeling that I am talking about.

Apparently, he is having the same queasy motions I am having… this is his current status on our relationship:

“Love is something different. It cant be bought or sold, it cant be faked. It is the realest thing that a man can experience. Love is loyal, no matter what. Love is there till the bitter end. Love is like a unwelcome house guest. It comes in unannouned, fucks your house up, shits in your living room, uses all your toilet paper, and eats all your food. But you’ll be damned if it tries to leave.”

Psh. I’m way funnier than he is. ::Kicks up dirt muttering under my breath while walking away::

 

Easy on Sunday morning, yall.

**Interesting Fact of the Day**  Dan has 8 tattoos. Yep, he’s a criminal.

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3 responses to “My Dream Date is…

  1. ahhhhh marital bliss!

  2. “ain’t love grand”

  3. I am also way funnier than Jordan. Marriage is hard ya’ll.

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