“Someone call security to escort this bitch out…”

This weekend Dan & I had Jane & Edgar’s wedding to attend. This was my first time as a guest, so I was excited to see what the hype was all about.

Weddings are great, when its not yours…
I was given freedom on 2 things I love more than Dan: Cake & Wine. God bless Jane & Edgar for making me the happiest drunk, chubs girl in Houston. I really needed it from all the dieting and working out I did the week before. It would be insensitive for me to only talk about all the free shit I got on Friday so I will start by saying that Jane really did take my breath away, she was more beautiful than I ever could be on my wedding day. Edgar was also wearing the hell out of the suit, and I did “hug” him several times over the weekend. LOL. I am very happy they are finally married, its still weird to me that they are married now. Cuh-razy. They have waited so long…

Happy hour… err… I meant Cocktail hour was lovely, I drank 6 glasses of wine and ate all the quesodillas so that Dan & Gabbi were stuck with some cucumber thingies. Dinner was great, Gabbi & I were ghetto girls and helped ourselves to 12 rolls, more beef and potatoes, and 8 slices of cake all while drinking an additional 3 bottles of wine. Then the dancing began… Gab, Jane, and I were like the misfits/rejects of your high school dance team. HOT MESS. Still we were 3 souls united as 1 and our horrific interpretations of cupid shuffle, bump and grind, Jaime’s Foxx “blame it” 2 step, and 90’s Bell Biv Diveo jump around were all CURIOUSLY IN SYNC. Dan took it upon himself to RECORD the entire thing, to remind me what I jackass/obnoxious/annoying fuktard I am when I am completely out of my mind. Yes, I cringed with embarrassment the next morning while watching it and my life has been threatened if I post the video, so sorry readers you will have to just take my word for it when I tell you that it was as AWFUL as it was HILARIOUS.

Toward the end of the evening all my devilish ways caught up with me and seriously mid booty bump the urge to vomit came over something fierce. I started staggering and Dan did the good ole’ arm around the shoulder and escorted me out of the building. I made it to the parking lot before I yaked and Dan was very angry for 2 reasons, my dress was slutty and I was sloppy so cat-calls and whistling during the walk to the car annoyed him much because my response was in drunken slurs “wooohoooo!!!” and second b/c I puked (just a smidge) in my car and he had to handle the sitcha-waytion.

The next morning I was hurting and I was the butt of my parents’… and grandparents’… AND younger siblings’ jokes. I was force to listen to all the crazy shenanigans I pulled the nite before. Throwing up in the living room, Dan undressing me and me telling him “to fuk off, I can do it myself!” and me accusing my grandpa that he didn’t love me anymore.

I know what you’re thinking: “Jo, you’re really inappropriate for drinking that much at a wedding, allowing your family to see you THAT intoxicated, and being on the verge of disrespectful to your Husband.”

My rebuttal? “But, it was FREEEEEEEEEE…”

hot pink

wedding cake

We all met up again on Sunday for a late brunch, and the newlyweds were forced to take shots of “wedding cake” by the “woohoo” girl in glasses.

*** Interesting Fact of the Day ***
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.
Now that’s a bad bitch!!!!

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3 responses to ““Someone call security to escort this bitch out…”

  1. Congrats Janie Girl!! Ohh dearest Jo, you crack me up with this blog gur-fren. The vomit and the slutty dress = pure hotmess! lol It sounds like everything was oh so much fun!! So happy for them and I wish them the best. 🙂

  2. This is super funny! ““But, it was FREEEEEEEEEE…” CLASSIC!
    =)
    Glad you had a good time. Congrats Jane!

  3. you made me want a drink . Bad

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